Finding my ears again
A few months ago I was really irritated when a customer service rep asked me a couple of quick follow-ups about what I was doing that weekend. "I don't have time for this!" I thought. But as he asked again, I realized how kind his intent was - to get to know me as more than just a problem. He had picked up on my excitement about an event I was going to because he was really listening, and when I let it, it changed our entire conversation.
How often do we really listen to one another? As in 'sit down, clear our minds, put down our phones, look someone we care about in the eye, and listen to each and every word they're saying' kind of listening. I've always considered myself to be a good listener, but a painful lesson recently is that I'd fallen into some bad habits, and my listening was…. a façade! Those of you who know me know that integrity is at my core, and to realize I was a façade was pretty painful.
I get why it was happening. A big job in a big tech organization, being a single mom, keeping up with the news, social media, and feeling constant reminders that I "should" be somewhere or be doing something else, I'd stopped being present for people I care about. The thousand voices and demands that constantly compete for my attention were winning.
And of course, the very human need to be right, to go with the story in my head, to feel justified, to 'know' with absolute certainty was getting in the way of my listening to others. We're biologically wired in many ways to view the world this way, to make our feelings 'logical', but not to listen.
But the thing is, we're also biologically wired to connect to each other as human beings. And without listening, we can't connect.
The unexpected gift of becoming a coach is rebuilding my listening muscle in all aspects of my life. And it takes exercise: extending my meditation practice, becoming more aware of when I'm present and when I'm letting things distract me, taking a deep breath and clearing my agendas when I'm in a conversation with anyone - all exercise for my listening brain.
Letting someone share what's really going on with them is powerful. I've seen it in action with my clients when I fully listen, and I've certainly experienced it when I'm listened to. Whether it's a friend or a coach or a customer service rep really listening to what we're saying, being listened to is a gift. Who are you going to give it to?