My New Year reflections are not as good as yours. I'm ok with that.

Confession: I have been holding myself in a lot of judgment these past few weeks. Everyone had such beautiful reflections about the change in decade, about the New Year, about resolutions, amazing holidays, etc. I had planned to do my own brilliant and inspiring reflection, but between taking an amazing, last-minute trip, spending time with my son while he was home from college, and admittedly just needing some downtime, I didn't get to it. Then I sat down to write it last week and went into major Judge Mode - my reflections wouldn't be as good as everyone else's. They wouldn't be as timely. Mine wouldn't have the profound and insightful nuggets that I was reading from everyone else. Judgement, control issues, perfectionism - my personal trilogy of woe.

And as I sat reflecting on what that was about, I realized that those are the areas I would have called out as big learnings in the past decade. Ones I obviously have more work to do on, but lessons I've learned nonetheless. However, in the spirit of a positive mindset and (slowly) developing to be more of a 'learner', I'm choosing to frame them in a healthier light.

Lesson 1: Be a Learner 

Throughout my life I've been great at achievement. Being rewarded for good results whether it was a grade or a performance review at work, achievement became my benchmark for my own, and sometimes others', worth. While achieving goals and dreams is good, judging myself purely on the achievement meant I was missing the learning and often the bigger picture. For example, I stayed in a troubled marriage too long because I didn’t want to be judged for being a 'failure'. I didn't take a step back and work to understand what I was learning about myself, what it meant for my life and my family's, and how I could learn in order to foster a healthier relationship next time.

I slowly learned about judging vs. learning over the past decade. It seems the world around me was giving me signals; as I read books like Mindset, Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, and Insight, I started becoming more aware of both my desire to be curious and my tendency to judge. And I was fortunate to work in a company like Microsoft that is working hard to shift their culture to more of a growth mindset where I could explore those concepts as well. And my coaches and friends were pretty darn amazing at helping me see differently.

But the most shocking lessons were seeing the impact judging has on my relationships. As a parent, as a manager, as a partner, as a leader, as a friend, as a colleague, the lessons were very painful when I saw the impact I have when I judge instead of ask questions. When I worry more about reaching a goal or achievement than the perspectives and needs of the people I care about.

I’m working to emphasize the learning over judging/achieving. To find the rich opportunities to connect more deeply, to understand, to grow, to evolve. With myself and everyone I interact with.

Lesson 2: Letting go is magical

My ability to achieve was certainly in part due to the high expectations that I have of myself and others. I also care deeply about what others need and want, and defining myself by pleasing others, and reaching my high standards became my modus operandi. And of course, in order to do that required my total control. But by holding so tightly to those expectations, I was actually holding myself back.

Several of my friends have asked me different forms of a question that keeps jolting me: "What if you let go of expectations?" At first I couldn't understand, aren't expectations what keeps us focused? Don't they give us
structure? How will I know if I'm successful???

As I've tried, sometimes even successfully, to let go of expectations, of controlling everything and doing things to pleasing others, I have been amazed and delighted to see what magical things emerge. I found my calling this past year by letting go of expectations of what 'career success' means. I have formed lifelong friendships with people I never would have gotten the chance to know if I hadn’t let go of my old ways of being. I found my partner by letting go of forcing relationships and trusting myself/him. And I found myself by letting go of the 'should's.

Lesson 3: It takes real courage to not be perfect

Perfectionism is the third component of my trilogy of woes. In many ways it's been the hardest for me to let go of. It's been a mask I've worn most of my life. I wanted to be the perfect employee, the perfect friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister, manager, you name it. Vulnerability wasn't a thing I ever considered; that would be less than perfect. I stayed in unhealthy relationships for too long because I didn't want to be 'broken'. I took career roles because I wanted to be the perfect employee or manager. And I wore myself down physically and emotionally by trying to project an image of perfection to everyone else.

Thankfully I have so many people in my life who have supported and encouraged me to be me, i.e. NOT perfect, and I'm eternally grateful for the grace they've shown me as I wrestle with myself. Listening to them required be to be brave to really hear what they were saying. And so my last big lesson of the decade is understanding that it takes courage to not be perfect. To be real. To be fully me in all my messy, dorky, learning, stubborn, loving and passionate self.

I'm obviously a long way away from fully absorbing these lessons into my daily thinking and feeling. But that's the beauty of learning, letting go and courage - I get to just keep trying!

Happy New Year and a very joyous and insightful decade ahead to you!