Trust me....

“Trust” keeps coming up lately. It’s constantly in the news – threading through politics, worries about disease, companies who have made mistakes, and even with the people who report on those topics. Closer to home, trust has been a topic in conversations with clients, with friends and family, and yes, definitely with myself.

What is so important about trust and why is it so top of mind? And of course, how do we cultivate it?

In coaching, trust is the foundation of an effective working relationship. Clients have to trust the coach and the process. The coach has to trust that the client is being open and honest. Trust is absolutely critical for the coaching partnership to work.

But that’s not really different for any type of relationship, whether in marriage, family, between customers and companies, at work, or even the relationship we have with the news. Every relationship requires trust to function healthily. “I don’t trust my manager”, or “He/she broke my trust”, or “I don’t trust that politician” type of comments reflect that relationships that are broken, and sometimes, harmful.

If we don’t trust someone, potential threats against us seem exaggerated. Which sets off our reptilian brain responses – we go into survival mode. We aren’t able to be open and honest, we resist or even fight, we protect ourselves by not being vulnerable. And thus, the relationship is frozen if not harmful. How can anyone get things done if they feel threatened?

I don’t know if most people really think about what goes into trust. I know I never really gave it much thought. You either trust someone or not. Someone does something against you, you stop trusting them. Recently I’ve loved learning about models that helped me better understand what goes into trust, and why so many people feel a lack of it in relationships.

Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey’s working model in Immunity to Change identifies four pillars of trust: Respect for the importance of the other’s role in producing high-quality outcomes, Belief in the other’s ability and willingness to take on full responsibilities, Care about the other (personally and professionally) and Consistency between words and actions. Stephen Covey’s Speed of Trust also focuses on four key elements: Integrity, Intention, Capacity and Results.

These are very similar models, but I like having both of them to remind me of the simplicity of trust as well as the nuances. It’s not enough to have good intention, we need the other person in the relationship to care about us. It’s not enough to have consistency in our words and actions, we have to have integrity under how we act and talk. When I hear people talk about a lack of trust, these frameworks are helpful to pinpoint where the trust is broken. For example, is it because a manager hasn’t shared enough context about a decision that makes someone question their intention? Is it because a peer said they’d help out and never did? Or is it that a friend may not have the experience to babysit even if they offer to with good intention?

The models are also helpful when I think about times when I haven’t trusted myself. I thought about some big events in my life where I was struggling, and these elements came up: I had questioned my abilities, or felt that my values were in conflict with one another. When I could reconcile those conflicts, the trust came back. Which I believe is true in so many of our relationships – we can repair or least improve trust.

I’m also learning to trust the universe in ways that are stretching my faith. When I let go of trying to control, and respect that the universe plays an important role in my journey, beautiful things are happening in my life. Trust means I have to let go as well. So hard!!

Improving trust is simple but not easy. Asking ourselves and the others in the relationship which element(s) is missing is the first step (side note - naming the issue usually is). But even if you’re not ready to talk to the other person about what part of trust is broken, being more aware of that yourself may help repair it. Ask yourself: What data points are you considering or not considering? What story do you have in your head and what else may be true? What expectations do you have that aren’t being met and does the other person know and understand those expectations? There are a lot more layers to trust and of course this is just one side of the relationship. But it helps immensely to start by better understanding where trust stops and starts for you.

Trust me 😊.